Even in a rational and calm headspace some days are exactly that; harder than others.
I more often than not know better….Know that the negativity and self-beration that want to join the party are unkind, unnecessary and unwanted guests; however they do show up sometimes.
Living a clean and active lifestyle is a choice for me; each and every day.
The past 7 years have been immensely beneficial (and in so many respects) however…. No matter what the rational reality of things may be on any given day, I have absolutely had my fair share of irrational thoughts and negativity; directed solely at myself.
The taunts may have changed somewhat over the years though they are in essence the same. As I have grown up and spent more time working on my wellness; as well as headspace; I have identified the main, recurring and often overwhelming negative thought.
“What if I NEVER look the way I feel?”
Broken down this could be any number of specific questions, frustrations and negative focuses; on appearance, outlook or even ridiculous fantasies. As if the 27 year old – 5ft 2in (157cm) female will ever grow taller!!
At the risk of, well everything, I have laid it out for everyone to see now. I want to look as amazing as I feel. Vain on many levels and yet it feels at times like the most important thing. Yes, our society moulds a particular body-type for both men and women, trashy magazines certainly don’t assist and most humans are their own worst enemy HOWEVER I do not feel my quest/desire/dream is that obscene.
There is no magic number in my head to hit, nor a size of clothing and most certainly not anyone else’s opinion. For me this is about seeing a fit, lean hard-working and well individual in the mirror. I doubt many of us will ever be 100% content; it is not human nature (silly humans) though I do feel it is important for me to get closer to looking as I feel.
The #1 hurdle is my head and I know it. Some time ago I accepted that any lasting and beneficial change is a journey, one with no timeframe. I also decided to dedicate time and energy to learning all that I can about how our bodies work and what they need. This placed me in good stead to look at my own individual bodies’ needs as well and ensure that I was working with and not against any special requirements that I have. The main special requirement that I factor into decision-making is that I have genetic PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) combined with Insulin Resistance. Present since 9 years of age and diagnosed at 22. I look forward to discussing this specific, though common issue through this blog. The first post is set for next week – following up on my week with no soy milk – trialled to potentially assist with this condition….
It is was hard to say/write/talk about this topic not being in the overweight nor the unhealthy category. It has been said that I am hard on myself and that my expectations at time have been unrealistic but what woman does not wish she could look like a Victoria’s Secret model??!!! Bottom line is that I never will look that particular way though jokes aside I feel confident that I CAN feel and look like the best possible ME that I can be. This is my journey and I thank you for joining me.